Sat, Dec. 29th, 2001, 02:57 pm
It is amazing at how comfortable this city is. I absolutly have fallen in lovez with the cultures and the architecture. Even though I have a cold I dont seem to mind...
Lovely lovely day, lovely lovely city.
The reason why I don't like to write letters is because I belive that I was taught not to reveal to much about myself through writing. Even when I am writing in my personal books the writing is marred by the ever present thought that it may be read by another person. I dispise that about myself.
Anyways... I have not been updateing lately. I have been quite busy with work. Just one deadline after another, working out ( a new thing - three times a week ), I have been ill, and I am perparing for a trip out of the country. It should be just lovely. My friends just arrived. I have to go.
There's the news in the background, my tired thoughts running through my mind. My eyes lids are so heavy and I still have to get my laundry done. I'm off on a impromtu road trip tommorow to California. It will be fun. Three people in a car with lots of CD's and blankets. We are all going to be dressed in sweat pants and baggy sweaters. Yet these are purple sweat pants with a glitter srtipe down the legs.
I would love to stay and chat yet I must depart and prepare for a trip of sleep and car horns. Just know that all is well in it's own little way and that I hope that you are all well also.
Passion fruit tea is a good aspect of my life. I can just sit here and sip this for hours. The lovely person that gave me this knew me well - and that I would love this tea entirely.
At work today I had the misfortune of dropping a shelf. In the process of this I scraped my neck. This resulted in a plethora of people commenting on my so called "Hicki". I would have to go through the whole story again and again. Then there was a lovely rumor almost started about me. While I was installing shelves this girl and I were talking and I mentioned that I've been sick with this clingy flu for about a month. She looks at me and says "Maybe you're pregnant". Just as she says this my co-worker walks up and looks at me astoundedly and says "You're pregnant?". I responded with a resounding "NO" because there is no possible way that I could be pregnant. That was adverted quickly.
On to the good stuff. I talked to a friend of mine the other night and had this amazing make-up friend talk. It was truly one of the best conversations I have ever had. I was completely honest in the utmost on everything. I even told the minute truth that most people do not express to one another. It was definitely a move in a positive direction for me. I learned a lot about that person and myself. I am actually grateful for the experience. I wonder if anyone else tells the minute truth? They most likely do.
My lovely friends are getting married. I am truly excited about this. I belive that they will be happy and because of that I am ecstatic about this. Although I will miss living with Sara. I like running into her on the way to the bathroom. It just feels like it is the way it should be.. comfortable and wonderful.
My grandfather is doing better. He was ill for awhile and is slowly but surely getting better. I would like to see him and my grandmother very much. I always feel so at home with them. I don't have to entertain them, I don't have to be a party trick. I can just sit there and have a normal conversation with no pretense of pretending.
We need to stop pretending. We also need to admit the truth about our selves. I think so. I never state anything as a fact. I don't because a fact to one person might be perceived differently by another and then the "fact" is different to them. I believe it's all perception and filters coming to play. Well the first statement is what I think not a fact in any way.
My pockets are full of receipts. Let's see ... coffee (or rather, Chai tea) and a bagel at Nordstroms, a little kids sweater and washcloths, 16.56 for gas for my car, a plastic mechanism used to secure hanging trees. I have been in a constant working state for so long that I forgot my on-line journal. Yet I will try harder my friend. I will indeed. Yet, I have found another outlet of my constant thoughts. I purchased a Jean paper journal (imagine that) with a orange leather fastener. I use this for my wandering thoughts.
I should run and ramble off with my dear sweet roommates and friends.
There is a lot going on lately. I do not yet have words formed to explain them though.
Mon, Oct. 22nd, 2001, 10:25 pm
So once there was this girl and she was really quite confused. She was like any other person that you would meet I suppose. Afraid of the scary woods and darkness that surrounds the night."Aren't you all afraid of this" she said to her fine furry friends. The rabbits and squirils all nodded their heads even though the couldn't comprehend what the girl who was like everyone else said. She felt as if they really understood her in there complacent stares and affirmative nods. But this is not reallity to mamels with brains smaler then hers. So should I leave the forest and go off to never never land the girl asked in a quiver of a smile. Her composistion was abreast to the fact that this was a pertinant and impulsive thought to have crossed her mind. Wouldn't you - the audience think it so. that this would be an out of ordniary thougt for a country girl raised on home made butter and sesame seed rolls made by that kind lady at the end of the street. She danced in the woods in the night just to scare her self silly, and she watched the boys dressed in their plaid outfits walk to school. I wish that I was inteligent and treated like an equal she thought with her frilly satiny pink dress that came to just about her knees. I love to type on the key board and read alice in that land of wonder. And that is the real name. The Land of wonder not wonder land my fine furry friends. Am I to impulsive to make a slow decioson full of thought and wonderment. Am I too short to were the high heals she asked as she watched them chase the trees and berrys that feel out of crows mouths.
Ramble to continue if I so feel obliged too.
Not at this very moment...
(3) What do you do when you feel bad?
Listen to sad music, write in my black book, curl up in bed with a good book.
(4) Do you always tell the truth?
I try my very very best
(5) Are you happy?
Try to be. Or at least smile when I'm not. I'm tired right now.
(6) Do you believe in God?
(7) Do looks matter?
To a certian point. I do agree with Caleb though, hygeine is very extreamly important.
I'm neutral to the matter.
(9) Do you think homosexuals should be allowed to adopt?
Not my place to say.
(10) What is the meaning of life?
It's all in that black book we look.
(11) Do you think everything was better in former times?
Things were better and then again they were not. Everything has grown and changed in it's own way. It was much more repressive in former times now it's a bit too leniant.
(12) Would you consider yourself intelligent?
Depends what were talking about and what mood I'm in.
(13) Listens to?
The air conditioner, a good friend, the pizza truck in front of me. I listen to every thing. I say every a lot don't I?
I have an amazing group of friends that I completely appreciate. I may seem odd to them some times and them to me but we always just smile.
(15) Self-Confidence? Rate 1-10.
I want to..to another country some day.
(17) Are you a feminist?
Neutral to this matter.
Almost every day. I am female you know and I do have to look good for my job.
(20) Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Yes I do. I adore my mother. She is the coolist friend. My dad is.. smart.
(21) Most negative quality?
constant bambarging of insecurity.
(22) Do you have a life?
what is a life...with work, social reqirements, meetings, service.
(23) Can you manage without the Internet?
I try to but it's hard some times. I like the instant information. They don't call this the microwave generation for nothing.
(24) What's your opinion on big occasions such as Xmas, etc?
I do not celebrate
(25) How do you dress?
(26) Favorite Color?
burnt orange, black, olive green
(27) Is your hair dyed?
Blond with brown and red highlights.
(28) Organ Donor?
(29) Do you fear death?
Will anwser the rest later...must sleep...must function tommorow.
By the way I love my job.
Kathleen makes the best Ice water. I bet you didn't know that ice water could taste so good. I don't even like ice water unless she makes it.
I got my hair cut the other day. I must say that it looks fantastic. I also put brown and red highlights in it. I am really liking this. I feel just oh so cute. I went to dinner with some friends last night and was showing them how to tie cherry stems in a knot in their mouths. I impressed everyone with my double knot. It was a pretty exciting evening. Then we went to this park with lots of hills. And they rolled down the hills. While I watched and laughed. I had too many things in pockets and glitter pants on.. alas I could not roll down the hill. Oh the treachory.
I'm off to the meeting and Monty Python party.
We try so hard to be what we are not. We strive to be like those in book and media. We want to be other then the aching person inside. There is something always better on the other side now isn't there. Maybe the grass has been painted green by the grounds keeper. Maybe the grass is actually as tainted as it is on you're side of the chain link fence. Do we use journals and poetry as a way to express who we are or do we use this to express the intermost desires of all involved in this tragic kindgdom of instanity. We look at love as if it is a treasure. It is indeed a transendent blissfull treasure that if you capture you will never be with out that memory. Yet media exploits it all to be a chain of serendipity (fortunate accidents). Is a love that is long lasting not hold as much value as one that is a story that involves overcoming a tragedy of adversiaty? Is it not worth as much? Then why idolize "Hollywood" stories and tales. "Hollywood" itself is filled with heartbreak and divorces. They are no happier then the remainder of the world. The stories that we use to entertain out tired minds are not reality. If they were even likely would they not all be based on true stories. Would they not all be from real people. They are not. They are visions and dreams of people that think these entertaining visual illusions up. Why can we not value the love we see in others.
The self help experts scream acceptance of oneself. Yet with acceptance comes contentment. With contentment change does not exist. Nor is human condition changed nor are circumstances altered.
It was all a misunderstanding. Or so I am told. It was a connection in phone lines and people not knowing each other well enough to distinquish humor and rudness. It all turned out well. We went camping with this huge group and just had a great time. It was rustic, extreamly entertaining, and cold.